Confession time....I try to keep this blog more about the kids and less about me, but I'm going to get a little personal here. I suffer from anxiety. I've had it since I was about 16. It varies in it's intensity. At times, I almost thought I had overcome it, but it always rears its ugly head again eventually. It came back so severe when I was pregnant my OB had a serious talk that if I didn't get it under control, I would have to go on meds because it was bad for the baby (which scared the crap out of me). I've never gone on meds for it which is strange because I tend to be 'a pill solves everything' kind of person. I guess I've seen too many people try to get off them and struggle- it just scared me. I have a pretty crazy addictive personality. I like to think I know what I can and can't handle and Xanax sounds too good to casually take for me.
After 15 odd years or so I have a lot of methods of dealing with it in place; breathing, walking, mind games to keep it under control. But even with all these coping mechanisms, sometimes, the dam just breaks and I have mini-meltdowns. My poor, understanding, amazing husband usually takes the brunt of my breakdowns. Hindsight is always 20/20. Most of the time I recognize and apologize, sometimes right in the middle of such breakdowns (which is an odd feeling to know you are being unreasonable and have no way of making it stop) but that is no fun for him. I wish I could change it, trust me, I've tried. It's part of who I am and it can't be cured, only managed. I've asked him when he knows I'm in my anxiety rant to use a code word. The one I came up with was 'Rice Krispies', his was "You're being $#*#*$ insane', I prefer rice krispies.
We are leaving for Mackinac Island for ten days with my husband's entire family. These kinds of big events are triggers for me, so as much as I am crazy excited to see Northern Michigan, be with good people and get on water, the dam has broken. This has been a very. hard. week. for me and I'm near just wanting to curl in the fetal position and hide until we leave. This isn't possible, there is too much to do.
So, no blogging until I get back. If I have some time in Michigan to get some pictures on the blog, I'm hoping to do that to prevent the onslaught of 400 pictures of cute kids up north once we get back. But know that if I'm posting pictures, I'm relaxed and happy....until then, I'll be in the corner rocking, but most likely just trying to act as normal as I possibly can.
I love you all to bits and pieces
2 comments:
I think we all go a little crazy sometimes. :) When I'm PMSing really bad, I can experience really good melt-downs and irrationality, and *know I'm doing it but be unable to stop* kind of like you said--totally get it!
Have oodles of fun at Mackinac! :) I wonder if the lilacs are still blooming? It's so lovely once your nose adjusts to the horsey smell.
Dude, I remember once when we were very young, this happening to you in your kitchen and you pacing around the island until you came down. I'm so sorry this is still happening to you. My man just started having some really bad panic attacks over the last month - one that lasted a full hour and he is pretty wrecked over them. He is absolutely maddened and scared shitless over it. I hear you about pills too - xanax does sound way too good to take casually. Good luck up there in Michigan lady. You'll do fine because you are one strong chick. Love you and take care.
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